Learning to Trust Myself

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“Character is doing what is right when nobody is looking”

When I was in middle school, there was a big push on character. ┬áThat quote (above) was on signs in the hallway and in classrooms and I remember our principal talking about it all the time. I remember it so vividly and it’s really stuck with me all these years.

I want to be a woman of character. I think following Christ means that you are a person of character. I want to do what is right even when no one is watching me.

If you’ve been following my journey and reading this blog for the past few months you know that in this season of my life I’m viewing everything through a food lens. It’s kind of a big emotional mess.

I’ve realized recently that as I’m making the effort to eat well every day, I don’t trust myself around food. Sure, I can make good choices when people are watching me. I’m immediately held accountable. The action is out in the open.

But what about when I’m alone? Do I trust myself to not reach my hand down the cereal box and snack snack snack while Netflix-ing? What about when I’m at work and everyone is in their own work bubble and no one is keeping on eye on whether or not I sneak around the back to the snack cabinet?

The answer is no. I don’t trust myself.

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I haven’t been a woman of character in the food department according to my definition of character.

Today, I start trusting myself.

Today, I become that woman of character. And then I’m going to do it again tomorrow.

It really is something when you apply real world lessons to your relationship with food. When you put food on the same playing field as your moral compass, that’s when you can fully start seeing food as what it’s supposed to be: fuel.

I’m on a holistic journey. Everything is connected together. One thing effects another. So now, I’m learning to trust myself when I’m by myself.

Round 2: My 1st Week

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I shared last week that I’m starting over with a blank slate and I’m calling it Round 2. I went into the week trying to remember what I did in my original first week and let me tell you something. It was WAY harder this time around. Why? I’m not sure.

Part of me thought it would be a little easier to jump back into the strict train because I did it really well the first time. Unfortunately, that was not the case. I did decent. There were some moments where I walked past the snack cabinet at work with no problems. There was one big time where I grabbed 4 snacks out of the cabinet and ate them at once.

But, I can honestly say that I made progress. I cooked in my kitchen more this past week than I have in the past month (moving probs) and it felt good. It felt good to spend time making my own food. I appreciated it more. I have a new Turkey Chili that I’m literally obsessed with and I made a modified Jambalaya recipe with “riced” cauliflower. I plan to share both soon! I also made a huge amount of vegetables and chicken to last us through the weekend. I ate out twice and ordered salads both times.

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Here’s to my first week officially back!
R2 Week 1:
-2.2lbs
-31lbs total — I’m going to continue using the overall total number.

These pictures were taken fresh out of the salon. I got my hair cut and colored! I love a good afternoon spent at the salon. I think this big change will help me make changes and progress towards not being lazy in my food life. I have a theory. Let’s see if it works.

I don’t know if you know this about me or not, but I’m a nail biter. I’ve been biting my nails for as long as I can remember. I read this article and decided that it was probably time that I stop the nail biting madness. As of right now, I’ve gone 2 days without biting! That’s more progress to celebrate!

How Procrastinating sets me up for Failure

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I am terribly guilty at overbooking myself. I can’t even count the number of times (these past 2 months) where I haven’t connected all the dots and realized that 2 separate events are happening on the same day. I’m really good at disassociating sections of my life… a little too good. It’s something I’m working on.

This is not going to be a blog post giving you tips on how to manage your time. I could never confidently write that. This is more so about the desire for wanting to be involved in everything, but understanding whether or not something is good for you.

Here’s one of my habits that needs to be broken: throwing everything out the window when things get busy.

I LOVE signing up for stuff. I love hosting events. I love throwing parties. I love bringing details for a function together. I love committing to stuff. What happens, 99% of the time is that I procrastinate and wait until the last minute to get my details together or go shopping for said event. The last minute-ness of my tendencies get me into trouble in the food department.

When I’m running around like crazy trying to get my details together, the absolute last thing I want to do is pull out my blender bottle or chop broccoli to roast it. Who has time for that when there are party details to sort out??

Digging a little deeper, I already know this about myself. I know that I’m a procrastinator. I know that my last minute adrenaline kicks in and that’s when all of my good ideas come. I kind of love burning the midnight oil when I have something big the next morning. I like how I feel when I’m running on adrenaline. My adrenaline happens to come out when I’m in charge of an event.

What I also know is that I use this as an excuse to not have to eat well. I get to say that the pressure of the upcoming event is just too much and I need a cheeseburger. I get to say that I don’t have time to cook something healthy and on plan because I have to work on details for whatever thing I’m working on.

Yeah, there’s definitely more to this than time management. It’s taking advantage of one of my personality traits and using it as an excuse to throw the rules out the window. I can go a little further and say that this is not the only tactic I have for getting myself out of the healthy eating box. Instead of growing in the area of my procrastination and developing better time management skills, I’m secretly refusing to work in those areas because I can eat a cheeseburger or pizza guilt free.

How messed up is that? Refusing to grow in an area I’m weak in so that I can cave and eat whatever I want. That’s not a sign of maturity.

Again, this whole journey makes you scuba dive down into your life, thoughts, and really figure out why you do the things you do. I’m kind of like my own therapist and this blog is my therapy session.

So now, I want to work on my time management and preparedness not because procrastinating is bad – I think procrastinating can be an art –, but because of the real reason behind why I procrastinate. I procrastinate so I can binge. I don’t want to do that any more. Let’s make progress in all areas – JJ

Clutter and Value

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This whole healthy lifestyle endeavor has encouraged me to evaluate every part of my life from spiritual to physical. I’m convinced that the look and feel of my home directly correlates with my healthy lifestyle. When my space is cluttered, the pots and pans are still out and about, and my clothes are on the floor, it nonverbally communicates value. Not in the good way.

When my space is messy, I’m more inclined to make poor decisions because my environment is communicating that I don’t value my things, my space, and ultimately myself. Have you ever thought about that? I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.

I don’t want to set myself up for failure. I’ve been coming at the actions of tidying, cleaning, and appreciating my things / space all wrong. It’s taken me a little while to figure out that my cluttered space makes me more inclined to cheat and not make wise decisions. When my living spaces are tidy and clean, I make better decisions. Is anyone else like that?

When I was in high school, college, and right out of college I could function in my messy room and be perfectly happy. I’m not that way anymore and I’m kind of glad.

I think part of me was hanging onto my messy tendencies because messy-ness is linked to creativity. I’ve finally figured out that my clothes don’t have to be in a pile on the floor for me to be creative. That was me just being lazy. I’ve actually discovered that the opposite is true. When my space is clean, my mind is more open to creativity. I want to prune laziness out of every place it could creep in.

So, now that I have a fresh start in a new house I can really take my time and literally get my house in order. I’ve been reading this book on tidying and decluttering and it’s really helping me realize the reasons why behind I want to live in a tidy space. I’m barely into the 3rd chapter and I’m already excited about living in a tidy space!

Anybody have any tips to keep things tidy? – JJ

Here is a fantastic article on some ways to start incorporating the KonMari Method in your home.